this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
