Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
