Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
