3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
