my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
