I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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