____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Who died my cat blue again?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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