i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
