Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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