Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
