I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
