Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
