I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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