Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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