i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Randomize
