Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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