Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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