If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
