i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
