I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
