At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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