Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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