That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
