I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just had sex bonerless
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
