Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
