Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
