we made out on top of his cat.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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