Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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