she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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