Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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