you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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