Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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