cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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