i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize