You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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