It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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