Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
