drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
