no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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