i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
