please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
