i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
