turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
