also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
