And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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