Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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