Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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