Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
