i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
