Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
