the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
