the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
