He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
