It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she peed on how many people?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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