I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
