I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
