dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
