Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
