After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
