You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
be right there i have to get my cape
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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