dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
